Last week, I went back to my endo to discuss my results (or lack thereof) from the genetics clinic. The consultation was mostly routine after that initial disappointment. We discussed news and research happenings in the diabetes world and new technology. But as we went through the results from my recent lab tests, things took a different spin.
The tests found high amounts of protein in my urine, which flags the possibility of kidney problems. My endo tried to downplay the results and told me not to worry as it has always been relatively stable. There were only a few other times where my results were above the reference range but it had always resolved itself.
But of course, my internal panic button had already been triggered.
‘How far over was I?’ I asked very meekly yet trying to sound nonchalant.
I can’t remember exactly what the numbers were, but it was serious enough to warrant further investigation and a follow-up appointment within the next month for the first time since my diagnosis.
Leaving the practice, a wave of emotions bubbled over me as I stared at all the pathology slips I was given. Especially at this little note:
I was angry and upset. All my efforts of self-care felt wasted. I felt so helpless and lost, not quite knowing how to process everything.
Then my rationale voice obviously told me to stop worrying so much.
My endo didn’t seem to be phased by it. I have been doing the best I can with my management. And nothing has been confirmed. In fact I should be grateful and lucky that I am able to afford access to routine care and that any oddities are picked up early. Think of people who can’t even access insulin…
…and that pretty much summed up my internal dialogue for the rest of the day. Actually, any time I thought about this really.
Underlying all those emotions, I guess, would really be a simple fear of the unknown. I am nervous and scared – there’s no denying it. But I know whatever happens, I will work through it with the support of my amazing diabetes healthcare team, my loved ones and my friends. At least that’s one constant in my life of what if’s and maybe’s.