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Ashley mad. Ashley smash?

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So this morning (or last night really), I felt absolutely drained – emotionally. Today, I am absolutely mad and frustrated at the world. Infuriatingly aggravated. So sick of being a “special case” in the medical world and constantly finding out new things that are “abnormal” and how “I shouldn’t even be walking around and doing all the things I’m doing now because your <insert thing here> is incredibly low/high” and thus needs to get “checked out”.

To me, that just means “Your preliminary tests are outside the norm, so there must be something wrong with you, we’re going to take a heap of your blood and run every single test in the world (that doesn’t cost too much) and see what the tests say. In the meantime you’ll just have to put up with feeling like a semi-trailer has run you down and keep smiling and pretending everything is ok and just wait”

This is then followed by taking a few vials of blood from me.

<Insert joke about how they’re meant to be keeping blood in me and not taking it out cos I’m anaemic>.

<Cue “oh I’ve never heard that one before! Good joke!” laugh>.

I try and take things lightly and discount them, put them away and go on with my life. After all, I’m not going to let this stop me from achieving my goals and dreams.
but I think after participating in a few studies that have asked questions about my diabetes and how it makes it feel, it has opened up the floodgates for me. Particularly the studies that investigated things like blood pressure, lipid profile, iron tests etc. I never notice it but now I get slightly nervous when they measure these things in case something else comes up that needs to be investigated. Like my low blood pressure the other day. It was averaged to be 74/30 sitting down after 15min of rest. That’s not normal. Got it manually done again yesterday and it was 110/60. Still not what my normal levels usually are but more believable. I’m so frustrated with things the way they are medically. They are stagnant. No progress, just waiting. I know it’s part of the process but it’s excruciating. I need a change (maybe that’s one of the reasons why I’m pushing for a pump cos it’ll be something different to try).

Every time something pops up, I ready myself for everyone in my life who loves and cares for me, out of their concern for me, telling me what I should be doing and how this and that could help. It’s way too overwhelming. I’ll deal with it in my own time. I like the fact that I know there are friends who are concerned enough to look things up for me and help. I’m deeply touched by the gesture but there are times where I can’t handle it and I tend to retreat into my shell for a bit and be the biggest introvert nanna you’ll ever meet.

I’m interested to find out how do others deal with things when it gets too much for them? I can feel this anger and frustration building up in me and I tend to lash out at tiny things, which isn’t healthy. I know I need to take a step back and breathe. I need to go for a swim or a ridiculously long walk out in the sun, away from everything. Just a mini escape. (I know I’ve been taking an escape with my BGLs of late…oops…)

/end rant. Time to get stuck into the real world and keep pressing on. Have an awesome day everyone! 🙂

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Pancreatically challenged, diabetes advocate, PhD student and dietitian - working to positive changes within the diabetes community and healthcare setting. Although diagnosed at age of 19 with T2DM, the type of diabetes I have is under constant debate. Finally pumping as of March 2014.

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